|Jokes & Stories
Please e-mail your jokes & stories and I will try to share them with everyone
This old cowboy go into the bar and ordered up 3 draft beers. The bar keeper bring over the 3 beers thinking that the old boy has some friends coming. The old cowboy just sits there and takes a sip out of the first beer then a sip out of the second beer and then a sip out of the third beer. The old cowboy does this until all three beers are gone and orders up another 3 beers. The bar keep bring over 3 more beers and tells the cowboy that if he just ordered 1 at a time they would stay fresher. The old cowboy told the bar keep that he knows this but he has this deal with his other 2 brothers that when he has a drink he would have a drink for his 2 brothers also. The bar keep said that was a great thing he was doing. Now the old cowboy keeps coming in for several months and the local folks get use to this routine. Well he comes in one day and only orders 2 beers. The bar keep brings them over and told the old cowboy how sorry he was about he must of lost 1 of his brothers because he only order 2 beers. The old cowboy so oh no that his brothers where doing good. The bar keep asked then why did you only order 2 beers? The old cowboy said that he and his wife decided to join the local church and one of the requirements was that he stop drinking, But my brothers have not quit drinking!
A old miner riding his mule comes into town and stop in front of the saloon. After getting off his mule and tieing it up to the hitching post a young drunk cowboy calls out to the old miner. Hey old timer can you dance? The young cowboy pulls out his six shooter and starts shooting a the feet of the old miner. The old miner starts dancing around as he did not want to get his feet shot. The crowd was laughting and hollering at the old miner. The young punk put his gun away and turned to walk back into the saloon. The old miner got his double shotgun from his pack on the mule and cocked both trigger and shouted at the young cowboy. The young cowboy turned around and seen the shotgun pointed at him and the old miner said Have you ever kiss a mule a@* and the young cowboy said No but I always want to.
A man walks into a restaurant with his young son and sits down. He gives his son 3 nickels to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts coking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps coughing. Looking at his son the father panicking, shouts for help. Now a well dressed, attractive and serious looking women in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts here coffee down and get up from the counter and makes her way to the little boy. Reaching the boy, the women carefully drops his pants and takes a hold of his testicles and starts squeeze and twist, gently at first and then very firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violenty and coughs up the last nickel, which the women catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the women hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the counter. The father seeing his boys is doing ok and walks up to the women and thanks her for her help. The father talking to the women said he never seen anything like that and wanted to know if she was a doctor. She said No I work for the IRS.
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....
This fellow goes into the doctor to get check out. The nurse takes him into the exam room and says what is the problem today. Fred (this Fellow) says now you won't laugh at my problem. Nurse says no I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. Okay then said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his jeans, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Lenght and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggking, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to get to her feet and regain her self. I'm am so sorry she said. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me waht seems to be the problem Fred. "It's swollen", Fred said. The nurse just ran out of the room.
This story came out of the Orlando Sentinel Paper
An illegal alien, in Polk County, Fl, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt was one to find this illegal alien. The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the Swat team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times. Naturally, the media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times. Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had." Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what! The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by the repoter how this could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: "When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."
This is a true story - maybe
A women went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" The dodoctor asked. Actually, yes I do she said. Does it hurt you, he asked. No it does not she replied. Well then the doctor contunued, there is no reason that you cann't practice anal sex if that's what you like....so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The women was shocked What? You can get pregnant from anal sex? The Doctor replied 'Of course -- Where do you think politicians come from?'
True Story or not, you tell me.
In the 16th Centry, everything had to be transported by ship and it was
also before the invention of commerical fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighhed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which byproduct is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instructions "Stow High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow high enough off the decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evoled the term "S.H.I.T.", (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centries and is in use to this very day. Now you probably did not know the true history of this word, neither did I. I thought it was a old cowby term.
One Tough & Fearless Cowboy!!!!!!
Something us guys need to know
You can tell alot about a women by her hands
if they're placed around your throat she's probaly
Going to a long summer, because I have already killed 3 boys flies & 2 girl flies. How did I know you asked. Well the 3 boys where on the beer can and the 2 girls where on the phone.
Going to be a long Winter this I was told by a old indian. I asked him how he knew and he said " White man put up alot of hay"
Do you know what makes me really mad on Friday's?
That it is Wednesday!!!!
A guy was complaining to his co workers about how his wife controls his life. The all advised him to just stand up to her and let her know how is the boss. That night he went home and and as he came in the door he told his wife, get my supper ready and lay out clean clothes, get my shower running as I'm going out with the boys tonite. Now when I get out of the shower do you know who is going to dress me and comb my hair? His wife says --- yes the undertaker!